Neo in Wonderland
by Caffeine High
Summary: For all of you who thought the Matrix movies though thoroughly awesome were sometimes pointlessly hard to understand, this is for you.


**Disclaimer** Don't own Matrix.

For all of you who thought the Matrix movies (though thoroughly awesome) were sometimes pointlessly hard to understand, this is for you.

* * *

[Screen]: Follow the white rabbit, Neo.

Neo: Huh?

[Screen]: Through the looking glass, Neo. Wonderland is calling.

Neo: Huh?

[Screen]: The time has come, Neo, to talk of many things: of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings; and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.

Neo: Uh…huh?

* * *

(In Neo's workplace the next day, speaking to Morpheus on the phone)

Morpheus: Neo! You're late! You're late!

Neo: For what?

Morpheus: For a very important date! No time to say hello—

Neo: Goodbye. (_Hangs up the phone; it rings again._) Hello?

Morpheus: Neo, Agents are coming. You have to evacuate the premises!

Neo: Okay, which way do I go?

Morpheus: Well, where are you going?

Neo: I don't know where I'm going.

Morpheus: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go. (_Laughs like a Cheshire cat_.)

Neo: Look! I don't care where I'm going, just as long as it's somewhere!

Morpheus: In that case, it doesn't matter where you go--we're all mad here.

* * *

Morpheus: Follow the white rabbit, Neo. I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Neo: Is this a joke? (_Examines bottle that says 'Drink Me' and cake that says 'Eat Me.'_)

Morpheus: The cake will make you grow so big you will die. The bottle will make you become so small we'll step on you. Choose wisely.

Neo: Is there a third option?

Trinity: You wimp.

* * *

(Neo, at the Oracle's house)

Neo: Hey, uh, little boy…what is everyone doing in here?

Little boy with spoon: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder what you're at.

Oracle: Don't pay any attention to him, he's crazy.

Neo: Yeah, figures.

Oracle: Don't worry about blowing the horn. The sheep's been moved to the meadow, and the cow's in the corn. But all you want to know is if you're Little Boy Blue.

Neo: No Mother Goose rhymes!

Oracle: Jack was nimble. Jack was quick. Jack, he jumped over the candlestick. But can you?

Neo: You're insane! You're not making any sense!

* * *

(Crew finds out Morpheus is captured)

Tank (_deciphering the random green symbols_): Oh no! They're painting the roses red!

Trinity (_gasping_): Oh no! Not that!

Neo: Uh, what does that mean again?

Trinity: It means it's Morpheus's unbirthday.

Tank: Yeah, and the Mad Hatter's throwing him a tea party!

* * *

(During the chase scene in which Smith is pursuing Neo through the city)

Tank: Neo, whatever you do, don't eat the cake!

Neo: What?! What the does that even mean? You keep making up these stupid codes for everything!

Tank (_sighs, turns to someone on the ship_): He can't be the One. He's too dumb.

Cipher (_grabs phone from Tank_): Neo! Listen to me, and you'll be fine. Half a cup of tea! Half a cup of tea! And don't take the Mad Hatter's seat!

* * *

(Cipher warning Trinity about the Agents)

Cipher: Watch your back; the Red Queen wants to play croquet.

Trinity: Did they put mustard in the tea?

Cipher: Now that's just dumb.

* * *

(Agent Smith taunting the captured Morpheus)

Agent Smith: Your world is nothing but a house of cards.

Morpheus: I suppose that makes you the King of Hearts who whipped the knave full score...

Agent Smith: Naw, I'm an eight of diamonds. I like shiny rocks.

Morpheus: Well, I'll be the King of Hearts then.

Agent Smith (_snorts_): Puh-leaze. You're obviously a two of spades.

* * *

(When Neo and Trinity prepare to leave to save Morpheus)

Neo: So no one has ever faced an Agent and lived?

Trinity: Let me give you a piece of advice, Neo.

Neo: Don't tell me; the Cheshire cat is going to take me to the Queen of Hearts. Right?

Trinity: No. It's about Smith.

Neo: Okay…

Trinity: See, everyone down in Zion likes humans a lot. But Smith, who lives in the Matrix, does not. Smith hates humanity, and all of our seasons. Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

Neo: I am going to start screaming soon.

* * *

(Because Neo can't understand their instructions, Morpheus gets out, and Neo is captured by the Agents and interrogated.)

Agent Smith: Who stole the Queen's tarts?! Who? Who?

Neo: Uh … the Knave of Hearts?

Agent Smith (_smiles with wicked triumph_): Excellent. (_To another Agent_) Get the Knave and torture him to death. (_Turns back to Neo_) Now, Mister Anderson (_removes glasses_), tell me, does the black sheep have any wool?

Neo: Yes…sir, yes, sir…three bags full?

Agent Smith: Wonderful. (_To Agent_) Put that on that on record. Get the black sheep and hold him for questioning. (_To Neo_) You see, Mister Anderson, we have broken you in less than fifteen minutes. You can't stand it, can you, Mister Anderson? Now tell me, who climbed the hill with Jack to fetch the water? Was it Jill? Was it the Oracle? Or was it _you_, Mister Anderson?

Neo: Uh…Jill?

Agent Smith: See! He has betrayed his own teammate! He's terrified of what we can do to him!

Neo: I don't know who that is.

Agent Smith: (_To Agent_) Find the J.I.L.L. program and delete it. (_To Neo_) Now, finally, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck was a checkerboard square?

Neo: I'm going to say Cinderella because the giant needed straw turned into the yellow brick road. Can I leave now?

Agent Smith: Yes! We have gotten all the necessary codes to bypass Zion's defenses!

Neo: They based their codes on nursery rhymes?

Agent Smith: You fool! What do you think the Matrix _is_? We are _all_ nursery rhymes, Mister Anderson! All of us!

Smith Clone #1: It is the Goose that drives us.

Smith Clone #2: It is the Seuss who moves us.

Smith Clone #97: Do you think the Cat in the Hat was a normal cat? Oh no, no, no, no, Mister Anderson.

Smith Clone #23: Without nursery rhymes we have no purpose.

Smith Clone #6: Without purpose we have no nursery rhymes.

Retarded Clone: So you see, we are all connected in the great circle of circuit boards. Rising and falling like the mood swings of a pre-teen girl. When you die, your bodies are liquified and intravenously fed to the next crop of human batteries, and the babies suck up your dead bodies, making every human on earth a cannibal.

(Other Smith clones stare at Retarded Clone, and beat the codes out of him.)

Smith Clone #1: You want Disney to sue us? Huh? Huh?

Smith Clone #2: You like that? You like being dead? Huh? Huh?

Agent Smith: Stop beating up Mentally Challenged Smith Clone, and _kill_ Mister Anderson!

Neo: I hope that's code for something.

Agent Smith: Put him on Humpty Dumpty's wall for immediate cracking!

* * *

(In Matrix Reloaded, when Neo, Trinity and Morpheus see the Albino Twins)

Morpheus: Stay away from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, they're crazy!

* * *

Neo: Hey, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this. We're out of the Matrix, so we're out of Wonderland, and that means we followed the white rabbit out of the hole! Right?

Morpheus: Don't worry Neo, the adventure has only just begun.

Neo: That's the first intelligible thing you've said this whole fanfic.

Morpheus: Don't get used to it. Because all the Machines' Agents, and all the Machines' Sentinels, couldn't put the Matrix back together again!

Neo: I'm leaving before Disney and Mother Goose sue us.


End file.
